first on my mind is about my crush. some time ago, i wrote to my crush to confess to him. i haven't heard from him since. maybe he's gone into army. or maybe (more probably) he's way too shocked to ever talk to me again. sad. but i've already accepted this outcome when i made my decision. writing to confess was hard. i don't know if it was a good decision. i mean, up till now, we were still friends. we'd sms each other now and then. confessing has changed everything. i think very likely, i'll never hear from him again. it's depressing and kinda sad that our friendship ends like this. what i'm really depressed about is that i don't know what's happening on his side. it's so frustrating to have to wonder about what's going to happen. but i don't blame him. it's my fault. i just hope that he'll be happy in future. even if i never ever see or talk to him again, i'll remember our past experiences and i wish him well.
second on my mind is something nick said the other day. DON'T START APOLOGISING!! the other day, i told him that i what i think makes this choir different from the old choir is that it's more happening here. later on, nick asked me if i was joining the choir to go orchard. i said i'll see. then he said something like, i said the other choir not happening yet i don't seem to commit myself and join in this choir's activities. i don't know. he just sounded like he was accusing me of something. i guess i was kinda hurt by that. i mean, being committed doesn't equal having to join in every single activity the choir does right? it's just so not me. thinking about narayan writing 'it's written on the brow of some that they shall never be alone'. maybe the reverse is true. maybe some people are just destined to be outcasts. don't know. it's like...i'm like an outsider to the group most of the time. nobody's fault. it's like that in school also. maybe it's a personality thing. i know i'm not a people person. i think maybe i feel so upset by it because, although i'm ok with the fact that i'm the outsider, it hurts to be reminded of it. maybe my fault that i'm so used to being the outsider that i just can't integrate fully with the group anymore. it feels weird. i don't know how to explain. all i can say is, don't anyone worry about me. i can take care of myself in this area. and don't start apologising or anything like that. makes me uncomfortable.
third thing. i heard from shi yun and from reading jeffrey's blog that the meridian choir is becoming worse. i know it's none of my business anymore, after all i'm out of the choir already. they say that the attendance is really really bad. aiyo people, what happened?! heard that mr kwei was on the verge of or already walking out on the choir. darn. is it that bad that nelson kwei is giving up on us? the choir isn't having a concert this year so i'm not too sure how they sound. but when i heard them at the open house, i was really shocked. they sounded really bad. maybe cos they haven't had that much practice, after the block tests and all. but they were bad. out of tune, couldn't hear them and some people obviously didn't know the words. i guess i'm just a bit disappointed in them. the seniors have worked so hard to get the choir where it is now. can feel the sense of ownership and dedication to the choir after being here from the beginning and building it up. i just hope that the juniors continue to work hard and not let us down and wasting our efforts. it's syf next year. i really hope they do well. i'm just disappointed in them for their attitude now. but like i said, it's not my business anymore.
fourthly, i'm certain that i'm going through a time of extreme spiritual dryness. i mean, i go to church and all that, listen to christian music... but i don't see the meaning in it. it's like i'm just going through the motions. i don't know. now, i'm only going to church cos my parents will kill me if i don't and i also go for the music and the choir. i didn't go for the confession that day. i don't see the point. i don't say the rosary or pray at all except sundays. i think that in the future, i'll just drop off going to church at all. and this bothers me cos...well i don't know. it just bothers me. i just don't feel that god is there. it's as if i'm just mindlessly praying cos i have to. i don't feel as though it's worth praying anymore.
anyway, to end on a happy note, CLAY AIKEN ROCKS!!!!! love his songs. so darn meaningful.
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